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[11 Sep 2008|05:55pm] |
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Kiss Me Like You Mean It by The Magnetic Fields |
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Today I decided I was going to start being productive. I'm going to curl my sister's hair for school tomorrow, let her wear my clothes and take her to school in the morning (just to be a good sister), and I also rode my bike for an hour, so I feel very accomplished. Tomorrow I will get my community service done and go to my interview and hopefully get a job so I can start saving money for school.
The weekend starts tomorrow! I am very excited. I believe that Kali, Alyssa, and I (maybe Alex) are going to visit Western for the weekend, and then by Monday I'm going to start being a good little girl.
P.S. Eric just called me and asked me to hang out with him tonight (right as I was giving up), but I probably won't and I'll ruin my chances because I'm a pussy.
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[30 Aug 2008|06:59pm] |
I am sitting in my living room and the T.V. is very loud and I probably won't turn it down. I am alone with my brother because my parents went to a wedding and my sister is at a friend's house. Which is okay with me because I love my brother more than I love anyone or will ever love anything for the fact that he knows more than I or anyone else ever will. How to simply be happy with what he has, without wanting anything else. He doesn't anticipate the future or dwell in the past but simply lives. He does what he wants and thinks how he wants and does not contradict himself on a level that everyone else does. As all things and nature simply are, he is. You're not, and I'm not, and we're always looking for something else or picking our brains for answers to questions that will never actually be answered, it's just a circle that will make you dizzy. As it's making me right now. There's a lot to say, I guess but I can't really put it into words right now because my mind feels like a rubik's cube and to tell you the truth, those frustrate me and I will soon give up on how I'm feeling all together and my mind will change it's mind.
So, I guess I will tell you the reality of things; Thursday Alex picked me up from my house after work and we drove to his house and decided spur of the moment that we would make the drive to Kalamazoo for just the night so we could get out of here. Kali and Alyssa came also. It was a really long drive and at some point there was traffic and I was pretty antsy partly because I had taken speed but also because there wasn't much music for me to sing to. We finally got there at around 9:00, which was what I had anticipated anyway, so I guess I wasn't in much of a rush for anything besides to walk around or be in more of an open space. We went to Steve's and there were quite a few people there sitting on the porch talking. I said hello and gave a couple hugs (which always makes me feel a lot better, for some reason) and Steve and Alex got on skateboards and road to the nearest liquor shop. Alex and I split a fifth of tequila and Alyssa and Kali drank vodka, although contrary to popular belief, I drank most of the tequila and got drunk quickly which in turn made me more generous than usual.
We left Steve's and walked to Alex Pogo's house, but there were a lot of people there mingling and sitting on the porch, most drunk, so the volume of voices were speaking over each other making the volume unnecessarily loud. Alex had just gotten in trouble with the law a couple nights prior so he was a little hesitant and very paranoid, and of course without sober judgment I decided I needed to help, but in this case I had actually helped. I asked everyone to come inside, which I wouldn't normally do unless I was in one of my more outgoing moods, and everyone did as I asked (surprisingly), and some boy even commented on my success. But the house was a little cramped and Alex was still a little nervous, so Steve suggested a party elsewhere.
We all walked a couple blocks to the next party which was overwhelmingly full of people, from the house the the yard, I've honestly never seen anything like it, naive as it may sound. I stood in the corner of the backyard for a while, fully intending on spending the entire night there because I, for one, was not about to be in any more legal trouble. I looked around for flashing lights which was inevitable because if I didn't know any better, it would have seemed to me that we were at some kind of fucking rave. I was sitting on the hood of a car, chain smoking and by myself, to the right was a fence and to the left were two drunk college kids on the hood of a car ripping at each other's clothes and kissing (in my opinion their kissing was very sloppy and loose and didn't look very romantic). I was staring and really grossing myself out until Alex called my phone asking where I was, (because for some reason he always gets very worried that I'm in some kind of great deal of trouble if he can't find me) and I spotted him looking aimlessly for me in a crowd of what had to be at least seventy people in the back yard alone. Emily was with him and he had gotten a cup of beer from the keg for himself and one for us. Emily and I were sharing it. After the second time Alex had filled up our cup, Emily had gained the courage to go about it by herself (with me tailing behind, of course) and on our way, we spotted this blind boy, cane and all, by himself, trying to make his way to the bathroom in which he had no direction to. Emily and I assisted him to the bathroom and turned our heads while he pissed. He was visibly drunk and asking for more beer, but the keg was gone and Emily and I began to ask him an assortment of questions, which anyone would do if they were to see something as careless as that situation all together. Asking who he was with and where he lived, questions not to offend him but more to help. Questions we disguised as curiosity, but were actually questions of nervousness. No one would help and the cops ended up showing up. Being as nice as we could, we directed the kid to a spot he could sit before we dashed out the back door and started walking a purposeless walk to nowhere until we finally rested on the side of a house to smoke a cigarette.
We eventually met up with Alyssa, Kali and Alex after the scatter of drunk teenagers and self-described adults ended and we started walking back to Mike's. Alex and I were either very behind or very ahead in this walk because we ran into two black kids on their bikes who were a little vulgar in their compliments towards me, but being drunk I was nonetheless flattered. I lied and said Alex was my boyfriend and he agreed for the sake of the lie and started to walk away quickly, as a couple blocks before Alex had exchanged a twenty dollar bill for a pill of crushed up aspirin and was a little upset at the time.
When we got back to Mike's it was Emily, Alex, Alyssa, Kali, Garrett and of course Mike and myself. Everyone was pretty drunk and I was still making the illogical decision to keep taking shots as I made everyone grilled cheeses, since it's regrettably pretty much the only thing I can cook myself, even though everyone was very pleased. Steve finally stumbled into the doorway of Mike's apartment and the door was finally closed for the night. Steve had a green shirt on that was ripped down the middle and even if he sat with perfect posture and was not to open his mouth, you would have still been able to tell he had consumed an unspeakable amount of alcohol. Which was fine, because so had the rest of us and no one was keeping it a secret. When the night was finally coming to an end, Emily and Mike asleep in bed, Alex passed out on the ground face first in a book, and Kali and Garrett squirming around under the covers being cute, Steve and I talked out on the porch for a while, smoking the last cigarettes available to us, and that was very nice seeing as how I probably won't see him for a long while and even though he was wasted, I think it was the first time he ever opened up to me about anything at all. We had made our way from the porch to the roof for some reason when it started to rain and we went inside soon after climbing back over the railing. Steve passed out pretty quickly in a bed that I assume was Mike's room mate's, and I gave up hope and laid down on the floor next to Alex and stole one of his two pillows that Kali had gave him.
I woke up probably not more than two hours later to Mike offering me his bed with Emily, because he had to go to court that morning. I got up, half asleep (it had to have been one hundred and three degrees in that place which is the worst addition to waking up with a hang over the world may ever know) and got in bed, very tired, but Emily was awake and we began talking about the night just like anyone does when they wake up after a night of drunken adventures and soon enough Mike was back with nothing to show for it, on a count of the police had not turned their copy of his ticket over to the court system yet and he would have to reappear at a later date. Mike got in bed and we all were bull shitting about the past night's events for awhile until conversation slowly tapered off and we all fell back asleep for a couple more hours.
Around 12:00 we left Kalamazoo and as anyone would know, one night in a college town, full of countless parties and endless amounts of booze is enough for at least a couple weeks.
I'm sorry this is so long and obviously so pointless, but I'm very antsy right now and my mind keeps turning out more words to type, so I apologize for wasting anyone's time. I have more to write about, seeing as how it's Saturday and this is only Thursday's festivities, but I won't dish out more than anyone can swallow at once.
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[07 Jul 2008|11:25pm] |
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Broken Chord Can Sing a Little by A Silver Mt. Zion |
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Well, my almost non-exsistant Livejournal friends, although most people would feel worthless as I sit here tapping away on the keyboard for maybe my second hour, I feel very bright. My fingernails are clean and that of course is nothing but exhilarating. My hair is washed and that's always a bonus. I look forward to having a nice, relaxing night full of sober sleep with no interruptions. I just can't help but wait for tomorrow! I will feel wonderful. I will do whatever I want. I will love everything around me and it will love me just the same.
Take notes.
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[02 Jul 2008|08:59pm] |
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I Feel Just Like a Child by Devendra Banhart |
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After you have exhausted what there is in business, politics, conviviality, and so on - have found that none of these finally satisfy, or permanently wear - what remains? Nature remains.
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[16 Jul 2007|10:42pm] |
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Backyards by Broken Social Scene |
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The past couple weeks I've drank too much and have never felt more sleep deprived. (It's been worth it. I got to meet Chan Marshall at the Cat power show on Friday and she was the sweetest woman in the entire world. She told me she loved my shoes and that her cousin's name was Anemarie!) However, I simply cannot wait to lay down in my own bed tonight and dream for hours and hours.
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[02 Oct 2005|11:33pm] |
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You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon |
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It's a cruel game you play in the dark when no one's watching. I think it's always win or lose with you, because I can't seem to find the in between. You'll get bored with change. You'll want something different. Something constant, and maybe even comforting. When you're bored, realize this, it was never boring looking into my eyes, it was never dull or deceieving. It was passion laced with time. I was so passionate about you. I needed time to find out what no one else knew, and I have yet to find it because you hide it. You're glazed over with the fact someone might want to be there for longer than just tonight. You can't satisfy everyone with an hour to spare. I don't want it, and secretly you don't either. It's just something to keep you alive.
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[07 Aug 2005|05:50pm] |
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I Want You by Bob Dylan |
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Not that the truth is vital information anymore, or that there is anyone out there that has pure and honest feelings of friendship, not just for me, but for anyone else, because this world is so sickly self-absorbed it's driving me virtually insane. Nonetheless, I'm still obligated to get the truth out of my mind and out through my finger tips so it won't start burning a hole inside me, and since no one is willing to listen and no one really would care enough to help me get through it, I'll wallow in misery sitting at my computer and type out what has me twisted in knots over Livejournal for everyone to read and judge, but all and all I'm really not worried. It's hard to be alone for a long period of time, and when I say alone, I mean really alone. I'm alone. A lot of people don't even understand what being alone is because they are so fucking scared of the word it makes them run for the nearest fake relationship and jump into it face first, which could be enchanting for some of you with an imagination, but it sounds disgustingly painful and even regrettable to me. I still have fun, in a fake, 'only hitting the surface' kind of way, with friends who say they care more than anything, but we all know actions speak louder than words. I don't have them to talk to because they aren't real, and they aren't truthful and they are the kind of friends that lead me to days like this, and it's the kind of thing that makes me want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t mean to be blaming anyone for the feelings I have right now. I want any one who cares to know that really, I blame myself for being someone I'm not, or trying. I can't pretend everything is okay when everything is completely fucked up, and I'd much rather not, and it feels better knowing that I'm alone than having friendships that are completely false. I like being hurt as much as the next person and I know when something is dead or dying. I don't want my friendships to die, but they are, slowly and painfully. So far, through what I've experienced in my life, which probably isn't much yet, I have decided that I hate awkward people and people who are afraid of depth. I am tormented with these things in my life and these people, when I know I am dramatic and naïve, and I know that maybe anyone who reads this will believe that I have brought upon myself this horrible feeling of worthlessness and untrustworthiness but I’ll make it the first step in a short recovery, a recovery that will leave me stronger in the long run. There's this old picture that I love of my mother and I, and I love it because it's real. There’s so much happiness and love in this stupid picture that it makes it hard for me to contain myself. It confuses the hell out of me wondering how things can change so quickly and why they change the way they do, and all I ever want are answers. The picture could be around ten years old, I’m sitting on my mother’s lap in a hairdresser’s chair in the old salon she used to work, her hair was shorter and frizzier, and her shirt is dorky, but she doesn’t care because she’s happy and she’s beautiful anyway because of her happiness. My smile is wider than any smile I’ve ever held on my face, and I remember genuinely loving my mother, I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed of her, and she loved me in the same way. I love my mother, please don't think I don't, and I am willing to accept change, but I don't have the carefree, oblivious innocence I was forced to let go of so quickly, and she doesn't have the beauty that comes with the happiness she once contained. No one can ever fool me into thinking it will come back, because it never will, and if it does it will never be the same. Now, as time has passed and we’ve hurt each other deeply in so many ways, there's really nothing to be happy about. When I was forced to let go of my trust I held within her, that was so minimal from the start, everything became unhappy and I now feel like I walk around in a house full of people pretending and when they aren't pretending they're yelling at each other for stupid mistakes, and it seems they do it just to yell or get out some type of hidden aggression that hides, and that's what it's come down to. So, I confide in this keyboard as I would a true friend, one I obviously don't have right now. I wish I was strong enough to say good-bye to everyone and everything and start over, but I'm not so I'll have to be strong enough to get through it with nothing and no one and this time I will be the one to keep reminding myself, “This too shall pass.”
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[07 Jul 2005|11:33pm] |
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She's a Rainbow by The Rolling Stones |
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It all came together, and it was all so quick to fall apart. It was like sand between my fingers, and I was powerless to stop it. Although, I have these feelings, and this confusion that keeps me up when I could be sleeping away the pain, I have these bruises, and these dirty feet that make me feel like I have a little bit of time left to enjoy myself. Which maybe isn't the best thing for me, because enjoying myself always leads to destruction and too much thinking. So, I'm always swinging myself in circles. This makes me feel a bit comfortable, and yet restless at the same time. I need a way out, someone to save me from the trouble I seem to be getting myself deeper into, but I can't stop digging myself down into that hole. In fact, I think I'm so far down I can't see the light anymore. So, if someone could throw me a ladder, I'm sure I could get myself out of this mess, because I'm strong, I just need a little help. I think it's always been me and only me to fight off the stress of life for myself. It's not a matter of caring anymore. It's a matter of fun, parties, and being under the influence. Which, is fine by me, because it saves me from nights like this, when my head is sent spinning in circles, and I don't even know the ground from the ceiling. It's okay though, because all the time I've wasted reminiscing over the past, I now spend content with myself, or with my head so far in the clouds I can't see what's right in front of me, but I can tell you one thing, I'd never be so quick to touch a rewind button if there was one put on life, because although I loved the times I've had with the people I care about most, I know more now than I've known in a long time. With all the mistakes I've made, I don't think I'd take them back, and for once in my life, I can be honest and whole-hearted when I say, 'Fuck you,' to anyone who thinks anything differently than the truth. The point to this? There is none, and there probably never will be a real point, but there is tons of important details that you should try to pay attention to if you want to understand.
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[16 Feb 2005|01:42pm] |
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Not For Sale by CocoRosie |
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The only thing I ever have left to say anymore is, "It figures." No matter what my circumstance. I just had the fucking time of my life, with a bunch of girls I really care about, and still I find myself packing in a good three hours of sleep under my eyes, while listening to a sad song and wondering how I could have changed it. Still, I know, I couldn't have changed it. I just want to figure him the fuck out. I need to fucking understand someone before I fucking shrivel up. How can I figure things out without always messing it up? Turning it inside out, and searching high and low through the gray area? What is really left? It can't all be lies. I don't really understand how it could be. The male persuasion can't be lying to themselves. Boys don't sit in their rooms writing poetry trying to figure out certain ways to make themselves romantic or charming, only to find themselves on top of a drunk girl the next night, forgetting about her the next day, and so the cycle goes. How can you write a fucking haiku about that, I ask? How is that real? What are the feelings in that person? Where does that great art come from? So, really where is that truth? Is there truth? There are hundreds of those kinds of people. Manipulators. Fakers. Liars. What the fuck do they want from us besides sex? Why do they try so hard for something they can accomplish themselves? In turn, don't they know what it feels like to be hurt, and worse, to have their heart shattered? To have to pick themselves up and try again? How can someone be so simplistic? Do they not think enough into what they are doing? Why would you want to put someone through that? And for what? A millisecond orgasm. Now, I've got my head spinning in circles, wondering if that's what the fucking world comes down to. Orgasms. I don't think people ever stop being pathetic. Is that what guys minds really work of? Sex, food, entertainment? It just feels like some big scandal, or sick joke. Through out our whole lives do we ever stop to breathe, and just let the people we care about really honestly care for us? If we don't, Why? There are the boys that don't care, and the girls that just care way too much. If we just had a fucking equal amount of caring here, we wouldn't have these kind of problems. Maybe what I'm saying only makes sense to me, because of my lack of sleep, and my mass amount of confusion about the male sex, and human race in general. I just feel really let down. That's all.
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[03 Feb 2005|07:10pm] |
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Son of a Preacher Man by Dusty Springfield |
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I could look up some words in the dictionary and try to sound like more of an intellect. I could tell you about how I feel with words not even I understand, so you can only partly grasp how I really feel. Most of the time I don't even know what I want to say. Most of the time I feel like a fucking clone of everyone else. I feel predictable. What the hell is to love about predictable? Maybe that's why I have this luck. I used to feel as if I had the right to aim high. Not the ability, the right. But I make the wrong choices, only to fall short of what I had in the first place. A possible friendship? If I could even handle that. I kill myself day in and day out for something everyone else already has. I think of regrettable and impossible options. I dream things only to wake up to the boring reality of a life that seems to replay day in and day out like some kind of worn-out recording. Predictable. See, there's always a way to catorgorize things. I see people all the time, believing themselves all to be some sort of repetition, or set. They all believe in something, they all have interests, some have morals, some want to be there, some live it day by day, some of them probably don't even know where they are half of the time. The point is, they all have friends, and their friends get along with them for one of many reasons, because they have the same beliefs, they have the same interests, morals, GPA, or they like to go in on bags of pot together. Whatever it is, there's a reason, and that's good enough for them, so why isn't it good enough for me? For right now, I just feel like being dramatic, because there's always tomorrow, and tomorrow, maybe I will wake up from a wonderful dream and it will be ten degrees warmer and I will be surprisingly refreshed and my problems that seem so big right now will be tiny particles of yesterday. This feeling will subside and I will be myself again. Who knows, maybe it will be one of those days that I will look back on and find myself saying a couple months from now, "Boy, those were the days." I will get this feeling in my heart, and this feeling in my head that's unexplainable. Like a picture perfect snap shot, and the world stands still for a moment and let's you remember those times where you were having the fucking time of your life and you were listening to the same song you are listening to right now, or smelling the same smell of freshly cut grass or something equal to that effect. It's so much to take in, it's like an explosion but I'm confident it's the most amazing feeling that you'll ever feel. Maybe tomorrow but for now I'll just try to sleep.
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[24 Jan 2005|09:38pm] |
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Dear God by XTC |
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I totally lost myself, which is scaring the hell out of me. Somewhere along the lines of losing myself and experimental life styles, I lost you and all that sadness that was tagging behind. I always pay in heart break. Now it's all somewhat faded to a comfortable setting. The memories are clean and fresh, but the time has been a'passing, and it's dug it's way out of the never-ending hole. It still weighs me down and nags at me when I hear your ugly songs, or the dead atmosphere you've claimed as your own in my head. The important thing is, all the sadness dug it's way though the anxiety, and I offically caught a hold of loneliness, which is a drag, but it's all rising from the ashes, and at least it's something honest and real.
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[06 Jan 2005|11:01pm] |
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Good Vibration by The Beach Boys |
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My full name is Anemarie Moore. I wasn't blessed with a middle name. I turned 16 in November. I count on my friends, sometimes, a little too much. I have below normal self-confidence levels, and have absolutely no idea how to communicate with the opposite sex. I get jealous of everything. I involve myself in music to the point where I don't know lyrics from life. I love to sing, however, my voice most resembles nails on a chalkboard. I love Sprite from a fountain and getting though a good book. I love making presents, but don't know how to use time wisely. I love the feeling of accomplishment, but I don't feel it often. I love the way little things can make me feel better, like the sound of Conor's voice, being waved to at a stop light, the morning after a 'long' night, and intense hugs. Little things can make me or break me, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I'd rather lose a toe than have too much anxiety, but I'm always totally stressed out. I'd love to be able to go to sleep every night at 8:00, I'd love to be asleep right now, in fact. There aren't enough hours in the day. If I could, I would ban 'Lord of the Flies' from all schools. No one should be put through such torture. I think there's only one person who can really break my heart by speaking. I hate when people make fun of me for using the computer too much, and then ask me for computer help. I wish I could add up to high standards. I wish Conor would have written me back. I love crying, and feeling really sad every once in awhile, I don't know if that's healthy, but it makes me feel more at peace, and even a bit more in touch with myself. I love walking and being outside, unfortunately I never am. I wish I was a lot skinnier, and cared more about my appearance. I wish I could get a stranger to ask me for my number, or think 'Wow, she looks interesting.' There have never been signs of this ever happening. I wish I had self control. I wish I had interesting, unique qualities or talents to show off. I'm not even double jointed. I wish I was smarter. I want to be able to produce powerful words. I want to travel. I want Dillon to be my friend again. I'm scared about college. I have no idea what I want now, or in the future. I want someone to care about me, mutually. I want to bungee jump. I want to feel completely free from all ties. I want to be able to describe how I feel in words and pictures, all the time, beautifully. I love feeling infinite. I have had a fucking splinter stuck in my foot since the beginning of summer. It hurts to put a sock on my left foot, and makes me want to cry when someone accidently steps on it. I miss the way I used to feel innocent, now I just try way too hard to act the part. I hate feeling inadiquite. Why does he still call me? Truthfully, most of my friends make me feel worthless. (Not with their words, more with their beautiful features.) I wish I was more honest. I make a lot of stupid mistakes. I hate the nervous feeling I get every time I talk on the phone, and every time I have to read in front of the class. I really do love Mr. Brown. Rachael McCutcheon was my best friend. No one is easier to talk to than Caitlin Stott. Jennifer Seefeld is the most creative person I will probably ever meet. Joni Mitchell was right when she sang, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."
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